Its now two and a half weeks since I was diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes. I am so not dealing with it. and then i have to care for my friend. i mean i know its not her fault. she didn't ask to have CRPS and nor did she have a choice over not being able to wake up from sedation but I so don't need this at the moment. Why do I find it so hard to focus on myself and admit that I need help. I feel like such a bloody fraud, I think I don't really believe I have diabetes. I mean I know I'm having to inject insulin 4 times a day but it just doesn't feel real and I'm afraid to ask for help or support in case they find out I don't really have diabetes and then it looks as though I've just been attention seeking.
I have just eaten chocolate, an ice-cream and 2 biscuits (after eating my dinner) and I feel over full and really angry with myself. Why am I completely unable to take care of myself? Why do I insist on abusing my body and risking complications if I don't get a handle on this? Am I being too hard on myself?
It's just too much. And how can I get support from the woman I love when she is deep in her own issues in therapy and trying to get her head around divorcing her husband? I so need her to be available to me emotionally and yet I can't even feel able to open up yo her about how I'm feeling. I'm hiding so much of the turmoil I feel regarding the diagnosis even from myself that it is no wonder I am choosing instead to go down a road of denial and avoidance.
But how to get out of this place and move forward? What should I do? I think I certainly need some me time but everyone else around me seems determined to take a piece of me and I don't feel in a position to say no. I'm useless at saying no, but partly that's because I know if I say no then there is no-one else. How can you say no to someone if you know they have no-one else to ask?
I want to bang my head against the wall and scream "WHAT ABOUT ME?" But it seems even I am not listening to myself so how can I expect anyone else to?