Its funny that expression, food for thought, I guess its supposed to mean that something you've read or heard gives you something to think about. well in my case right now I'm trying not to think and when i do that I eat - food for thought or, to put it another way, food in exchange for thought.
I just don't know how to stop eating. its a compulsion, and the more I think 'hey stop, you mustn't do this, you're diabetic' the more i seem to want to eat. Take today for instance. Did really well and ate porridge for breakfast. By 11:45 my blood sugar had dropped to 3.5 and so I allowed myself to eat the chocolate cake they were serving in church. Still OK as I was technically having a hypo and therefore needed something sugary. So lunch approaches and I grab some horrid filled pastry thing and a packet of crisps. my mistake was, of course, having to go back to the shop for fags which then meant I bought a packet of skittles in case I had a hypo (yeah right Kim who were you trying to fool?) AND a bar of chocolate - oh but justified as it was only small (so deluded!)
Didn't eat the sweets or crisps then but did go to a cafe and have carrot cake, followed by a trip to a friends house where a white chocolate and strawberry muffin found its way into my mouth. Did that make me eat less for dinner? Oh no. Full evening meal followed by TWO ice-cream cones and then the crisps and skittles. Only just remembered the chocolate so may eat that soon as well!!
Why don't I feel full? Why can't I get it into my head that I can't behave like this? I mean if I carry on like this not only am I going to become fat again - which I deeply don't want to do - but also I am seriously going to jeopardise my health. What is it going to take to get it through my head?
I despair of myself I really do. And amongst all of this I am still trying to get my head around a confusing relationship that isn't sustainable in its current format and yet its not going to be stable for maybe several years so what the fuck can I do in the meantime? I just want to scream and cry and for the whole world to disappear, or maybe just me to disappear.
I CAN'T COPE.
Maybe I am just thinking too long term. I think even thinking a day at a time is too much for me right now. I think I have to break down my day into time slots and think what am I going to do and what am I allowed to eat in the next hour. Keep telling myself I can eat next hour (not including meal times) if I still want to and try the delaying tactic. Also despite the fact I need to give up smoking I think I really need to cut myself some slack and try and deal with one thing at a time. I'm trying to do too much too soon. I am only human after all even though I like to tell myself I'm exceptional. I am vulnerable and scared and I don't like it. I'm trying to avoid my feelings with food and that is only going to make matters worse. I need to face this thing head on, one hour or even minute at a time. I need to stop hiding behind food and actually start engaging my brain.
But I don't need to do that till tomorrow do I? I can still eat tonight? I've got chocolate in my bag, toast is calling me, my cupboard is calling me...
Going to make a coffee and have a fag. All this is giving me food for thought...