I never smoke in my house. Well occasionally I smoke in the kitchen but always with the back door open, I never smoke anywhere else in the house; I hate it. Why am I smoking in the lounge?! But then maybe I'm focusing on the wrong transgression. Maybe what I should be focusing on is why I haven't tested my blood or taken my insulin this evening. I know I need it, I know (somewhere in my mind) that I do have diabetes, and yet as I write this I am munching my way through a large bar of chocolate.
I've put on weight. I lost over a stone before I was diagnosed but since I've been on the insulin I've been gradually putting it back on. I think that secretly I think if I stop taking insulin I will be able to lose the weight again. I know that that is a stupid and reckless thing to do but yet I still seem to be doing it. I think I may be going slightly mad, slightly psychotic even, but I don't know who to tell. Truth is I'm scared to tell anyone, or maybe I just don't want to tell anyone. I'm scared its just attention seeking behaviour but I don't know how to stop doing it. Its compulsive, like the eating.
Today was supposed to be a new day but I'm messing this one up worse than yesterday!
It is possible that screwing with my body in this way is not to do with the diabetes at all. What if the reason I'm acting out like this is because of the state of my relationship with Top-Cat. Perhaps the diabetes is just a new way of self-harming.
I'm so confused and though I wish more than anything I could talk to Top-Cat about all of this I'm so scared of burdening her with this and also that she might just think I'm barking mad, be freaked out and decide that I'm too screwed up to be with ever. I also feel like its not good for me to be dependent on her emotional support right now, but maybe even that is just my insecurities surfacing?
Of course I am pre-menstrual. I do normally get a bit mad when I'm due on. Though that is more being irritable, eating lots of chocolate, and having sore breasts. Now admittedly I do have sore breasts, I am eating chocolate and yes, if I'm honest, I am on the slightly short-tempered side. However, this is a bit more than that.
I am seeing a nurse on Wednesday and maybe I could talk to her? I wonder what she would say though? God I want to scream. I want to scream and shout and pound my fists on something, or someone...
All in all I guess that smoking in the lounge is the least of my problems right now.