I feel like crap. I've got to go back to work tomorrow, I can't have more time off or my pay will get cut, I won't be able to go ahead with the adoption stuff and I expect I would just get more depressed.
I guess the diabetes diagnosis is having an affect on me but so is my relationship with top cat. I feel so angry but I don't know how to express it. I'm so scared that if I make waves I won't have a relationship and yet I feel like I am just being taken for a ride. Yes she is talking about leaving her husband and says she has had conversations with him about it over the last few nights and she is going to try and see a solicitor on Wednesday but when I said to her today I felt insecure and worried that she was going to change her mind and stay with him her response was 'I can understand why you'd feel like that'. Why couldn't she say that's not going to happen? why does she think what I want to hear is acknowledgement of my feelings and not try and tell me things are different or reassure me in some way? is it because she thinks I need to be acknowledged or that she really might end up changing her mind again?
Why do I have to feel so insecure? I want to be this strong confident woman who has her own life and interests but I find it so hard as that's not what I've been like my whole life. I've always looked to others to know what I like or what I want and it's so tough trying to change that and work out for myself without regard for what someone else will think of me for my desires and hopes. I think that fighting against my desire to be independent is the fear that top cat won't like me or won't love me any more if I like or want the 'wrong' things. I guess really I am the only one making this difficult for myself by putting so much into each decision or desire that it feels life changing to wonder if I should have tea or coffee!! I know that what I find attractive is passion and desire regardless of what its about so why should I think those things would be undesirable in me? What I find really frustrating though is that I just don't know these things or somehow I think the things I want aren't good enough. I really want to be a mum but even that is feeling difficult as I am scared that having kids is going to impact on my relationship with top cat and also I am so worried about my relationship with Top cats kids and how she feels about it and how I can be with the kids. Everything is just so muddled and screwed up in my head I don't know how to unravel it.
Will it help if I just start acting like a grown up? keeping care of my house, keeping to a routine and making study time for my Spanish and bookkeeping courses? I really need to think about what I can do self employment wise to make enough money to survive on with flexible hours and not over stepping my personal ethics over capitalism and the evils of money.
I need to make a time table for my life and then stick to it. I need to do some meal planning for healthy eating and stick to it. I need to live within my means, as they are becoming very limited this month, and part of that is about giving up smoking as I can't be smoking for the adoption and I can't be smoking with asthma and diabetes and ultimately I can't afford to pay so much to slowly kill myself with such overt socially acceptable self harm.
I CAN do this
I CAN gain control of myself and my life
I CAN make wise decisions and be independent
I CAN be passionate about things:
My spanish course
Church
Bookkeeping
Adoption
I CAN do my job well and effectively
I CAN be organised in work and home life
I CAN give up smoking
I CAN maintain my current weight and stop obsessing about losing any
I CAN have a healthy relationship
I CAN get a grip!